Late Revision: A single bird was perched above my loft
REVISIONA single bird was perched above my loftand sang the saddest notes in plaintive song.I listened, full entranced - those whispers softand clear, each echoed, causing me to longfor days of...
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Overall, I'd advise writing in modern diction, without archaisms or inversion and without padding lines for the sake of the meter. You're also overusing semicolons, sometimes in ways that don't...
View ArticleRe: Late Revision: A single bird was perched above my loft
I second Maryann on diction, and would add that you need to pay much closer attention to syntax. Regardless of the era of the diction, this piece is highly ungrammatical. Lines 3-8 are a mess...
View ArticleRe: Late Revision: A single bird was perched above my loft
Nice! I really liked this poem. There's a problem, tho. If the birds song was lonely and sad...why did it evoke vigorous, spirited memories in the narrator? (Mirth, youth...etc)Maybe the bird should...
View ArticleRe: Late Revision: A single bird was perched above my loft
Thanks for the general support, JerseyODevil. Point taken about the "lonely bird".Thanks also to the other respondents... well, I did ask for thoughts.I take the point about semicolons - there are too...
View ArticleRe: Late Revision: A single bird was perched above my loft
"In my short time on the forum"--Yeah, right, so you were never here before?
View ArticleRe: Late Revision: A single bird was perched above my loft
Yes, that's right. As I just posted, I've only been reading the forum for a short time.
View ArticleRe: Late Revision: A single bird was perched above my loft
I'm attempting a rewrite, along the lines of the constructive suggestions raised in this forum.I'm getting rid of some semicolons - could Maryann and Michael Juster suggest how I might punctuate it...
View ArticleRe: Late Revision: A single bird was perched above my loft
A single bird was perched above my loftand sang the saddest notes in plaintive song.I listened, full entranced - those whispers softand clear, each echoed, causing me to longfor days of youthful...
View ArticleRe: Late Revision: A single bird was perched above my loft
To sing in thoughtful ears this natural song: Indoors and out, summer and winter,--Mirth. Loving the fire, and with your tricksome tune Nick the glad silent moments as they pass;Were you thinking of...
View ArticleRe: Late Revision: A single bird was perched above my loft
Well, thanks, TruePardonerI'm at a loss as to how to respond. The sonnet is getting a bit old, by the standards of this forum (I didn't think the revision would get a response after a month).I was...
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Hi YolhansonMaryann and Michael are spot on with their critiques and while I read your argument for the archaic, I think you missed the point. I dont think that either poet has any aversion to the...
View ArticleRe: Late Revision: A single bird was perched above my loft
Thanks for replying, PractisingPoet.That's a lot to get through.I gather you don't like the poem, and I guess I can't assist without completely scrapping it and offering another in its place. I'll...
View ArticleRe: Late Revision: A single bird was perched above my loft
Hello YolhansonI am pleased that you have taken my rather harsh criticism so well. It suggests to me that you will go places if you have not already done so. You misquote me, however, you say that I...
View ArticleRe: Late Revision: A single bird was perched above my loft
Yes, PractisingPoet (Paddy), I did misquote you. I must have been tired myself.Apologies and retractions are in order. Sorry.
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